Q: A senior partner at my accountancy firm has asked me to a dinner party at his house with my other half. The problem is he is clearly expecting (and would perhaps prefer) that I arrive with a girlfriend - but I'm gay. As I see it, I have three options: I could pretend I'm single and go alone, bring a female friend and pass her off as my girlfriend, or I could bite the bullet and take my male partner. There is often quite a lot of laddish banter at our office (as there is in the City) and I wouldn't want anyone to feel uncomfortable or start having to make allowances for me - or, worse still, for my 'outing' to jeopardise my position. What should I do?

A: This immediate decision, although in itself quite a small one, clearly has sizable implications. You'll need to make up your mind whether you'd now like to come out or whether you (and your partner) prefer, at least for the moment, to continue as you are. My guess, though you're in a far better position to know, is that your colleagues already take it for granted you're gay and don't see it as any sort of big deal. Only you can judge whether your firm is still so stuck in the past that confirming that suspicion might actually jeopardise your position.

If you're a bit weary of the uncertainty of it all, you might see this as an excellent chance to end it. In that case, you should write to the senior partner, thank him for the invitation, but say you're concerned that, since your other half is male, this might complicate his wife's seating arrangements. Under these circumstances, might it be simpler if you didn't go? This makes your position absolutely clear, while at the same time playing it all reasonably low-key. It also gives your hosts the easy option of responding in whatever way they choose and without embarrassment.

From your point of view, however, it's an irrevocable move, so think carefully before you make it. To take your other alternatives in turn: to go with a girlfriend would make you feel a fraud (and be more than a little insulting to your partner); and if you simply turned up with your partner but with no advance warning, your hosts would have every right to feel wrongfooted.

So you either take this chance to effect an unostentatious outing. Or you go alone.

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