UK: JOHN WEAK'S DIARY - WEAK AT THE TOP.

UK: JOHN WEAK'S DIARY - WEAK AT THE TOP. - MONDAY

by JOHN WEAK.
Last Updated: 31 Aug 2010

MONDAY

Decided to have marketing department conference to introduce new dandruff shampoo (Athelstan) and show full power of leadership (me). Foolishly got Renton-Willets involved (weirdo HR director). He suggested fully interactive day with brainstorming, syndicate working, team-building, honest feedback and motivational speaker. Switched off after he said 'interactive'. Told him it was his baby and he should run with it. Also decided to make Hayley more of a PA than secretary. Went to gym with Howard after work. Sat on our favourite bikes - just behind the treadmills where Lycra is tested to destruction. Cycled for 40 minutes but the little computer said we'd done just over a mile, most of it downhill.

TUESDAY

Called in Renton-Willets for conference update. Told him I liked interactivity bit and I could be interviewed interactively by that fox from Channel 5. That would show troops I'm not afraid of a grilling. (Prepared questions, obviously.) Then Hayley brought in tea that looked like gnats' pee. Told her to use a tea bag. Bill Peters sent over a great screensaver: a missile's-eye-view of destruction of a bunker. Loaded it myself but couldn't get it to run. Called IT Helpdesk and asked them to send over a nerd to fix it. 'No Bloody Help Whatsoever' Desk said no one was available as whole network had frozen.

WEDNESDAY

Briefed Renton-Willets on brainstorming - I talk for an hour or so about innovation, creativity, leadership etc, then, after the conference, they can brainstorm what they've heard. He didn't catch on, so I spoke a bit louder (shouted actually) and told him to go away and brainstorm the precise instructions I'd given him. Tea looked like Ghandi urine sample. Biscuit was pink wafer. Told Hayley board directors don't eat pink wafers. She said it was for Renton-Willets. Couldn't argue with that. Called IT Apathy Desk to demand one of their cyber-geeks to get my screensaver running. Network still frozen.

THURSDAY

Very short meeting with Ken Carmichael. Bad smell that turned out to be his fruit tea. Told Hayley (to whom I've decided to give more responsibility) I don't want meetings with fruit tea drinkers. Renton-Willets still plaguing me about team-building trust exercises. I told him I wasn't going to close my eyes, fall backwards and trust I'll be caught by someone who's just had one of my thermonuclear appraisals. Had marathon brainstorming lunch with Bill Peters with a frightening amount of red. (Discovered later that when Bill went back to work he went to an office he left five years ago.) I came up with brilliant idea for team-building. Instead of holding hands and skipping, we can have video of great rugby teams in action - with Simply the Best playing in the background. Found an IT nerd at my desk, tinkering with my computer. He said it was my new screensaver that had caused the whole network to freeze up. I told him to get the screensaver up and running before he started fooling about with the network.

FRIDAY

Had a long chat with Hayley. Told her I was thinking of increasing her responsibilities.Then took her down to the kitchen and showed her how to make a proper cup of tea. Told the rest of team about conference, with my talk, interview with me, rugby video and my motivational speech. Clare O'Keefe (ops director; Boadicea in a skirt) said it sounded like an evening in the pub with me. Thought this was spot on until I realised it wasn't a compliment. Threw my rattle out of the pram at that point and told her if she could do better, she was welcome. Bloody woman slid proposal across the table, which I had to read there and then. To pacify the Amazon hordes, I said it all looked rather good and we should go with it. Then I saw it was written by Giles Renton-Bloody-Willets.

Contact: john.weak@smokehouse.co.uk - (I've told Hayley to print out any messages.).

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