UK: Weak at the top - John Weak's diary.

UK: Weak at the top - John Weak's diary. - MONDAY

by JOHN WEAK.
Last Updated: 31 Aug 2010

MONDAY

Found myself sitting next to a vegetarian at lunch. Urgent tightening up of interview and recruitment procedures obviously required. I'm not going to make a big effort to mix with the troops in the canteen if it means sitting next to some goateed weirdo nibbling a UVO - Unidentified Vegetarian Option. Bring back the executive dining room where red-blooded males eat red-blooded meat (and nap undisturbed for an hour or so). Another bloody sponsorship form clogging up my desk. Cycle against third-world debt for pete's sake! Why not just sell the bicycle and send them the proceeds? Told to attend crisis meeting tomorrow with Sir Marcus Rigby (CEO). All terribly hush-hush.

TUESDAY

Very bad morning. Presented with sponsorship form for marathon in aid of ozone layer. Told would-be Sebastian Coe the CO2 he'll be breathing out will knock a hole in it the size of a swimming pool. Offered to give him £10 for every minute he shaves off current world record. Then I get petition for more pot plants in office. I know what happens - say yes to a rubber plant and in two weeks you're working in a rainforest. Crisis meeting with Sir Marcus. Turns out that one of our 2-in-1 shampoo and conditioners kills otters. What the hell are otters doing using our 2-in-1 shampoo and conditioners?

At least they die with a shiny coat. Sir Marcus gives me the poisoned chalice of sorting it all out. Had to work out anger at gym - Howard was on rowing machine so I coxed for half an hour with large G&T.

WEDNESDAY

Otter damage limitation exercise underway. We now sponsor largest otter conservation centre in Europe (only otter conservation centre in Europe).

Shampoo has been withdrawn immediately for further testing (not on otters).

All schools to get otter colouring kit. For every picture submitted we give 3p towards otters. Am thinking of registering as an otter. Consultants arrive for 'environmental audit'. Was expecting bearded sandals and divining rods but all seemed fairly normal. They have recommended benchmarking environmental performance against best in sector. Lucky they came actually.

Turns out crayons for colouring competition have more lead in than a church roof and would have decimated school population. You can't bloody win.

THURSDAY

Went to office in otter costume this morning. Nobody knew who I was.

Hayley (my secretary) warned me to take it off because: 'that Weak bastard doesn't have a sense of humour'. Returned an hour later minus costume and asked her to remove staples from 10,000 surplus company reports 'for recycling'. Initial results of environmental audit show that we are slightly below Polish coal mining but well above Porton Down Chemical Warfare Establishment.

But no room for complacency obviously. Apparently Bill Peters and Chemicals are responsible for 99% of the damage. His environmental ethics might not be great, but you can't knock him - used to play rugby for London Belgians.

FRIDAY

Lunch with Bill Peters to alert him to the fact that he is a one-man Chernobyl. After second bottle of red he admitted that he had forgotten he was in charge of Chemicals. We had a couple of cigars and through the smoke, I told Bill it was time for a clean-up. The smoke cleared and Bill wasn't there. He'd gone to siphon the python. Bill is first-rate bloke obviously, but will have to be sacrificed to the otter. No doubt he'll be 'promoted' somewhere where competence isn't at a premium. Client services director is the usual resting place. Blokes like Bill are a threatened species. I'll have to organise a sponsored bike ride.

You can contact John Weak at: john.weak@smokehouse.co.uk.

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