Went on diversity training, organised by the girlies from Human Remains (HR). I am now gender and culturally aware and prepared to celebrate and encourage diversity (unlike some of the other bastards on the course).
Which reminds me. There is a scorching new secretary in the building.
Good old Bill Peters has a new one called Jane Edwards. The old one could type like the teleprinter but was aesthetically challenged, as we politically correct directors like to say.
After epic lunch, Bill let slip over a third bottle of red that Rigby (CEO) had let loose some management consultants to see where improvements could be made. I suggested a good start would be to get rid of the consultants as they're just an extended sneer with an invoice attached. Bumped into the yummy Jane in the corridor. Absolute top drawer totty, in an encouragingly diverse kind of way. Asked her how she was getting on with Bill, etc.
Said she hadn't seen much of him. I said if she wanted to see Bill more she should get a job behind the bar at Mr Bojangles. She already knew who I was, so I asked her to lunch for 'familiarisation'. She accepted like a shot, so obviously haven't lost the old Weak pulling power.
Had unsavoury meeting with Alec, a management consultant, who sat in my office with brain humming like a nuclear power station. I asked him whether he'd actually ever run a business. Of course he hadn't but he did have an MBA from Exeat or somewhere and spoke 17 languages - no doubt meaningless jargon in all of them. He wanted to talk to my team about delegation and empowerment, but I told him firmly that when it came to empowerment and delegation, the buck stopped with me. Timothy Smallwood (financial director) stopped me in the corridor to warn me that the entertainment expenses on my credit card were larger than the marketing budget for some of our smaller products.
I explained that brands were a complex matrix of emotional values that needed a considerable amount of lunching to support. This didn't impress him and he skulked off to eat his smelly little sandwiches.
Alec the consultant was sniffing round again, doing a little time and motion study, he said. I said I thought it was time he was in motion.
He smiled in an expensive kind of way and tapped something into his wafer-thin laptop. I told him I ran a tight ship and if he wanted economies he should be knocking on the door of Operations, whose main operation seems to be pouring money down the drain. As he left, I noticed he had my credit card statements in some sort of freezer bag, as if they were forensic evidence.
Lunch with the gorgeous Jane. Got a quiet table at Mr Bojangles (knowing Bill Peters was safely in Malaysia). Gave her some high octane chat, made sure my Porsche keys were not inconspicuous and told her the variety of corporate entertainment opportunities at my disposal. She seemed interested, especially in the travel options. If Bill hadn't bagged the freebie to Kuala Lumpur, I would have had her on that plane before you could say 'Chocks Away'. Got round to her love life and asked what kind of man she was after. She went all coy. I teased that it was probably someone like super-geek Alec. She laughed and said she wouldn't go out with her boss.
Then she got the bill and I saw her chequebook said Jane Richards, not Edwards. Pennies started dropping. On way back I tried to withdraw everything I'd said since we met. She said I'd helped with things to recommend. Felt stupid. Sooner she gets diversity training, the better.
You can contact John Weak at email@example.com.