WEAK AT THE TOP: John weak's diary

WEAK AT THE TOP: John weak's diary - MONDAY

by JOHN WEAK, john.weak@smokehouse.co.uk
Last Updated: 31 Aug 2010

MONDAY

Two big projects on this week. The first is I've been told to work on my gender sensitivity, which I will, preferably with some tidy little secretary. The second project is starting my new job at Torso plc. I applied for the job after Sir Marcus gave me a thermo-nuclear bollocking for accidentally deleting Smokescreen on our company intranet. I haven't actually given up my Smokehouse job yet but Human Remains say they're all in favour of job-sharing, so it must be all right. After work went to the gym with Howard. We decided to toss for who would do some exercise. I lost, but claimed that the toss itself was enough exercise to warrant a drink at the bar.

TUESDAY

Spent the morning at Torso putting together a marketing plan. Decided what the product was, who wanted it and how we should talk to them. That's my first four months' work, then four months for consultants to do it and four months to research the results. Which gives me the rest of the year off. Then drove across to have long lunch with Bill Peters. Bill thought my job-sharing was a great wheeze until I mentioned Torso, then went off the idea. But I'm pleased with my multi- tasking ability. Women say they can do six things at once but in fact they only ever do one thing; the other five are talking about it, changing their minds about it, getting emotional about it, blaming men for it and getting a new outfit for it.

WEDNESDAY

Decided to work at Smokehouse this morning. Started with a bit of gender sensitivity. Personally, I can't wait for women to get above the glass ceiling because then we can see a bit more of their legs. After that, rang around a few companies to see whether they wanted any non-executive directors. Bill and I have a competition to see who can collect the most non-exec directorships. What you do is turn up in a dark suit, be rude about anything they've tried to do, scan the accounts (which could be upside-down as far as I'm concerned) and then draw your 20 grand salary.

I accidentally picked up one for a charity the other day which I had to drop sharpish when I realised they wanted me to do nothing for nothing.

Current score is 5-4 to Bill, although I'm sure Bill thinks his Smokehouse job is non-exec. It's certainly non-work.

THURSDAY

Torso today. I've been told I can choose my secretary from the pool.

When people say pool I think swimsuit. There's no point in having a secretary who looks like a sack of turnips in a swimsuit, even if she types like the teleprinter. I've got my eye on two gorgeous-looking twins. The great thing about going out with twins is that you can sleep with two women at once without being unfaithful. They're both very keen to get into marketing, which is good. Women who want to get into marketing are always on for a bit of extra curricular, whereas women who want to get into IT might as well be entering a nunnery. Maybe I'll have one at Torso and the other at Smokehouse. That's what I call equal opportunity - for me, that is.

FRIDAY

Got in late for two jobs at once, which I found curiously satisfying.

Told them both I was at the agency. Had long lunch with Bill. We became increasingly sensitive to gender issues, especially one very contentious issue at the next table. Then Torso in the afternoon. I've told everyone who works for me that they're 100% empowered, I've delegated all my work to them and told them only to contact me if anything they do affects the share price. The last thing I have to do is sort my boss out. Had a hell of a job finding out who I was supposed to report to. Finally discovered it was a Mr William Peters, who was away as he spent a lot of time at the agency. Talk about two-faced.

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