JOHN WEAK'S DIARY: Weak at the top

MONDAY

There are two big issues facing Smokehouse. One is our profits, which are receding over the horizon with their arse on fire. The other is Sir Marcus's hairline, which is receding over the back of his head with its arse on fire. Fortunately, we have a chief exec who focuses on what's important - when he's not at the hairdresser horizontally integrating his remaining assets. He's looking for savings in the business, which means the corridors round his office are strangely quiet. I'm doing my bit my restricting all marketing activity to essential lunches, jollies and motivational long-haul travel.