JOHN WEAK'S DIARY: Weak at the top

JOHN WEAK'S DIARY: Weak at the top - MONDAY

Last Updated: 31 Aug 2010


Bill Peters, the original technoplegic, has discovered text messaging. During a deadly IT presentation he messaged me that Mrs Tooley (office manager) has an arse the size of Denmark. He also warned me about Tim Smallwood's (finance director) decree that all purchases over 50k must be signed off by two directors. This would put the kibosh on the little 100k incentive event in Barcelona I'm having organised by an absolute fox called Rebecca Clifton-Gould. Now there's a woman crying out for a bit of hands-on management. If I can avoid any form of communication with Smallwood to the end of the week I simply won't know about the new spending policy and I can sign the cheque and slip it to her (woof!).


Working from gym today. Told Hayley I need to spend time looking at the figures. Arranged for all callers to be diverted to our Customer Careline, where they will be patronised to death by a recording which says how much we value their call and that they're being held in a queue (we charge them pounds 3 a minute as they wait in a circular queue). Three e-mails from Smallwood and six phone messages, sadly none of which I received, as I was flicking through Barcelona brochures in the sauna. Left message asking Rebecca Motivational-Totty out for lunch to discuss how she can delight me as a customer.


Working from races with Bill Peters today. Put the office Christmas party budget on a horse called Fast Return, which crippled itself trying to get out of the starting gate. The good thing about WAP phones, laptops etc is that you can be anywhere in the world, turn all the buggers off and be incommunicado. Thus avoided 12 phone calls and 10 e-mails from Smallwood copied to all directors. I have a golden rule - I never open CC'd e-mail. I don't do copies. It's the original or nothing for me. I don't mind blind copies, of course, because they're often rich in unsubstantiated dirt. In fact I often send messages as blind copies because they're guaranteed to get attention. Nothing from Rebecca High-Totfactor. Obviously playing hard to get, but she'll come round. Women can't resist a man with a big budget who knows what to do with it.


Working from Mr Bojangles wine bar today. Bill Peters, on his third bottle of red, demanded a webcam on his barstool so he can see it in the office. (It would be more useful for the taxi firm, who could send a car when he fell off it.) Turned my phone on to call Rebecca Baying-Crumpet but Smallwood rang. Let it ring for a good five minutes, which reminded me of a game me and Bill used to play called hangman where we timed how long we could keep people on hold. My record was 48 minutes - that was the first wife. 25 e-mails from He of the Smallwood, all marked urgent, plus two from the chairman. That'll be Smallwood getting the chairman's secretary to send them. Smart, but not smart enough. You have to get out of bed pretty early to catch old Johnny Weak napping.


Working from home today. Instructed Hayley to tell anybody who calls that I'm at a meeting in a mobile phone dead-spot. Wales or somewhere. Midway through Richard and Judy, postman delivered letter. Rebecca Posh-Tot finally caving in, probably. It was a handwritten note from Tim Smallwood telling me that Sir Marcus wanted me to urgently organise massive company-wide pounds 1 million conference. Did I know anybody who could help? My mobile went at that moment. Text message from Rebecca saying she couldn't do lunch as she had to organise last-minute conference in Barbados with a Mr Smallwood. Buggeration!! Called the office to pick up the pieces and got put through to bloody Customer Careline.

Contact John Weak at

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