JOHN WEAK'S DIARY: Weak at the top

MT's resident cavemanager John Weak sets himself a new challenge - getting through the week without doing a scrap of work.

by John WeaK
Last Updated: 09 Oct 2013

MONDAY

Got in first thing. Well, the first thing I did was get in, which is the same thing only three hours later. Entire weekend was spent with Bill Peters marinating our livers. Shortly before he fell into a clothes recycling bin, Bill admitted he hadn't done any meaningful work for the company for five years. We made a bet that I couldn't get through an entire week without working and that he couldn't work for a full week. We'd call it quits Friday lunch time and celebrate. Instructed Hayley to hold all my calls and cancel all meetings. She was a bit confused as there aren't any major sporting events on.

 

TUESDAY

Read in the papers that competition have launched new miracle toothpaste. Obviously requires immediate reaction from me and Smokehouse marketing department, but I'm not about to lose a bet with Bill Peters for the sake of some piddling multi-million global market. Caught him carrying some papers through office. Said it was his job description and he was just checking up what he actually did before he attempted to do it.

Sat in silent office and listened to the sound of my calls being held. Got bored so decided to walk around the department to boost morale etc. Got Hayley to write down their names first so I knew who the hell they were. Picked someone at random (totty with cracking bag of clementines) and chatted to her for a couple of hours about some impossibly urgent deadline she was trying desperately to meet.

 

WEDNESDAY

Did nothing all morning - much more difficult than pretending to work. Called Bill Peters for lunch and he told me he was having a sandwich at his desk. Things must be getting serious if he's found his desk. Had lunch with Giles Renton-Willets (weirdo HR Director). Well, I had lunch, he just had some low-impact yogurt and sucked the protein from his napkin. Said he'd been trying to call me all morning but understood that I was probably in emergency mode responding to miracle toothpaste. Assured him that nothing was occupying more of my time. Canteen alive with news that Bill Peters had called status meeting for team and announced back-to-basics policy (ie, him finding out what the hell's going on).

 

THURSDAY

Spent morning playing solitaire on computer (useful insight into IT department) and all afternoon constructing complex tottometer of women on internal phone list. Interrupted by phone call from Sir Marcus (CEO). He'd heard that Bill Peters had organised a breakfast meeting and did I think he was off his chump.

The Boss had read about launch of new toothpaste and was sure I was working flat out on counter-attack. Saw Bill on my way out. He said he was working late so I winked at him assuming he meant after-hours headboard hockey with some bright-eyed graduate. He tapped his box files, winked back and said he was enjoying working but wouldn't want to do it for a living. No alcohol on his breath either. Worrying.

 

FRIDAY

Went to lunch with Bill to settle our bets. He passed me detailed work on complete global restructuring of chemicals manufacture, asked me to pay up and then sunk two bottles of red before you can say General Belgrano. Hayley called on the mobile to say emergency board meeting called for afternoon.

Apparently new toothpaste turns stools fluorescent (possible youth niche market but total disaster for your ABC1s). Bill had resumed his old management position under the table so I faced Sir Marcus alone. Reassured him that we'd spent all week looking at the toothpaste market.

Best course of action to use the opportunity to restructure our chemical division, for which I had comprehensive proposals. He said I must have been working very hard. I told him it's all about working smarter, not harder. Cheers!

 

Contact John Weak at john.weak@smokehouse.co.uk.

Find this article useful?

Get more great articles like this in your inbox every lunchtime