Michael O'Leary's School of Media Training

In light of the Ryanair boss' withdrawal from the media spotlight, MT has dredged up some of his best quotes so budding bolshy chief execs can learn from the master of the gaffe.

by Gabriella Griffith

MT is in mourning, after Ryanair’s one and only outrager-in-chief announced plans to end his tenure as the airline’s spokesperson. But it would be a shame to completely lose the kind of flourishes O’Leary became famed for, so, let’s keep it up – when in doubt, think ‘what would MOL do?’

What most CEOs would say

What O'Leary says

'In future, may we remind customers to familiarise themselves with our rules before using our service'

'We think [they] should pay 60 euros for being so stupid'

'Plane incidents are pretty rare these days and even then, our pilots are well-trained to deal with emergency situations and can resolve any problems which arise'

'Seatbelts don’t matter - because if you crash in a plane you’re all dead anyway'

'Flying is the first part your holiday and it should be as enjoyable and luxurious as your hotel'

'The problem with aviation is that for 50 years it's been populated by people who think it's this wondrous sexual experience; that it's like James Bond and wonderful and we'll all be flying first class when really it's just a bloody bus with wings'

'I’m afraid, in this instance, you’re not entitled to a refund'

'You're not getting a refund so f*ck off. We don't want to hear your sob stories. What part of 'no refund' don't you understand?'

'We always try to encourage responsible use of alcohol on board'

'If drink sales are falling off, we get the pilots to engineer a bit of turbulence. That usually spikes sales.'

'We firmly believe the customer is always right'

'People say the customer is always right, but you know what - they're not. Sometimes they are wrong and they need to be told so'

'We’re an inclusive airline, everyone is welcome and will be treated equally'

'Nobody wants to sit beside a really fat ****** on board. We have been frankly astonished at the number of customers who don't only want to tax fat people but torture them'

'My deputies can’t be here today as they’re attending to some important business but they share my excitement at today’s news'

'I’m here with Howard Miller and Michael Cawley, our two deputy chief executives. But they’re presently making love in the gentleman’s toilets, such is their excitement at today’s results'

'We listen to our customers especially their concerns about the environment – every person’s opinion matters'

'The chattering bloody classes, or what I call the liberal Guardian readers, they’re all buying SUVs to drive around London. I smile at these loons who drive their SUVs down to Sainsbury’s and buy kiwi fruit from New Zealand. They’re flown in from New Zealand for Christ sakes. They’re the equivalent of environmental nuclear bombs'

'We find our value for money fares resonate particularly well in the German market'

'Germans will crawl bollock-naked over broken glass to get low fares'

'We’ve been considering adding extra services to our flights in order to make our customers more comfortable'

'If someone wanted to pay £5 to go to the toilet I would carry them myself. I would wipe their bums for a fiver'

'Our flights make the perfect break from the daily grid – a time when people can really switch off and relax'

'Anyone who thinks Ryanair flights are some sort of bastion of sanctity where you can contemplate your navel is wrong. We already bombard you with as many in-flight announcements and trolleys as we can. Anyone who looks like sleeping, we wake them up to sell them things'

'I’m proud of my Irish roots, we’re famed for our hospitality and warmth'

'The airline industry is full of bullshitters, liars and drunks. We excel at all three in Ireland'

'We’re working hard to provide the business market with all of the services it requires'

'In economy, no frills. In business class, it'll all be free – including the blow jobs'

'I’m really just a normal guy, trying to do the right thing by my customers and colleagues'

'People either see me as Jesus, Superman or an odious little sh*t. I think I'm Jesus. A prophet in his own time'

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