If you're a loaded City worker, it might be a bit alarming to recall that back in Robin Hood's day, robbing the rich to give to the poor was seen as a perfectly reasonable thing to do. Things are very different now, of course: whereas 13th-century Nottingham was ruled by a powerful wealthy elite who gave insufficient thought to the consequences of their actions, the City is-... Anyway, the point is that vulnerable Square Mile types have a new champion - one who is determined to help London's richest defend their wealth (and their health) from thieves, muggers and the odd angry taxpayer. Meet Tim Larkin, the combat expert who is bringing Ultimate Violence to these shores...
Larkin says he wants to help high-earners who might ‘attract crime’ to protect themselves. And he has the necessary credentials for the job: apparently, he’s the guy the likes of the US Navy Seals and FBI hostage teams turn to ‘when training for a kill-or-be-killed situation’. Next week, he’ll be giving a few lucky City workers a one-off demo of Ultimate Violence, his very own ‘combat technique’ - in which he'll show them how to ‘use extreme violence as a tool’ and ‘how to kill in four easy moves’. His theory, you see, is that training in mere ‘self defence’ is ‘exactly how to get killed’.
Now you may think this sounds a bit, well, bonkers. But according to Larkin, extreme violence is just misunderstood. ‘Most people feel very uncomfortable with the idea of violence because we have stigmatised it so much.’ Hmm. Go on... ‘The truth is, your best self-defence in a life-or-death situation is injuring the other guy... Because if you try to keep yourself from being stabbed – you’ll get stabbed. Try to avoid being shot – and you’ll get shot.’ We're no experts on this stuff, obviously. But that sounds a bit counter-intuitive to us.
What's more, says Larkin, combat training can also make you better at your job (and not just because you can beat the living daylights out of your competitors). Larkin has apparently trained traders at New York commodity futures exchange NYMEX ‘to help them clarify their aims when trading’. For those who had complained of becoming ‘paralysed’ by the amount of information they had in their head before a trade, 'combat training somehow helped them focus their priorities and read the situations better,’ he says. Clearly, the mysterious power of violence knows no bounds.
Still, damaging though it may be to our mental clarity, MT thinks it might give this one a miss. After all, it’s like our grandmother (almost) said: Ultimate Violence never solves anything.
For more information on Larkin’s workshop, click here
In today's bulletin:
Osborne takes a chance with FSA regulatory shake-up
BP cancels divi and pledges $20bn ahead of Hayward's US grilling
Boardroom bonuses bounce back
Ethnic minorities still shut out of top professions?
Taking a hard line with latter-day Robin Hoods