MONDAY
One week to go until Christmas party. Top of mistletoe list is scorching Emily Reimbold from Research who's built entirely from gravity-defying materials. Have tried the legendary Weak charm on her more than once but talking to her is like continually serving into the net. Sense of humour bypass. Will just get totally bladdered at party and let nature take its course. Giles Renton-Willets (weirdo HR Director) popped by with Christmas bonus calculations for my team. Don't know why he bothered. I decide who gets the bonuses based on ability alone (the ability to brown-nose yours truly).
TUESDAY
Brand manager Tim Spears is organising some kind of revue for the Christmas party. Thinks he's a bit of a whiz on impressions. He certainly does a good impression of a pillock. Everyone got note from the thought police (HR department) written by Victoria 'politically correct' Prothero (walking chastity belt). Said inappropriate behaviour will not be tolerated at Christmas party. Can't imagine any behaviour that wouldn't be appropriate at a Christmas party. After work went to gym with Howard and spent a good hour in the mixed sauna swapping techniques for getting kit off totty.
Had to stop when some woman came in and sat there naked. Not very pleasant.
WEDNESDAY
Cleared my desk and practised my skit for the revue, great rugby song, Bestiality's Best. Diversity sensitivity guidelines don't mention animals so should be all right with the thought police. Put in a few extra verses about foxes, beaver etc. Should go down well. Had lunch with Bill Peters who was sitting at usual seat in the pub (he calls it benchmarking). He was pretty trolleyed when I got there and told me he intends to keep drinking from now until January to miss millennium completely. Has volunteered to do a trick with a pint of vodka and a pair of underpants for Christmas revue. PC Prothero is trying to get a court exclusion order to keep him away from party.
THURSDAY
Christmas party!!! Had a couple of glasses of fizz and asked Emily Reimbold if she wanted to work with me on a 'positioning' project. She told me where I could position myself. Great sense of humour that girl! Had a couple more drinks. Spears did impressions of various people in the company who all sounded amazingly like Spears. Finished with one of a loud director with a Porsche that brought the house down. Made a little note of anyone laughing too hard. Haven't signed off their bonuses yet. Had a couple more drinks and then got up with a jockstrap on my head for Bestiality's Best. Room fell strangely silent halfway through when Bill Peters walked onto stage butt naked with a pint of vodka and underpants over his head.
Finished song together. Entire HR department imploded. All got a bit hazy after that.
FRIDAY
Arrived at work just before lunch. Clare O'Keefe (tomato-juice drinking life and soul of the party) barged in saying that all Christmas cards to our suppliers had to be signed by end of play. I pointed Hayley (secretary) to the pile of envelopes and told her to sign them (she does my signature better than I do) while I went for a cooked breakfast. Everyone in office gave me very funny looks. Bill Peters called from pub to break the news.
Shitty death!!! Apparently I snogged PC Prothero from HR last night. Got back to office and found another pile of envelopes on my desk which turned out to be supplier Christmas cards. The first lot were the bonuses which Hayley signed off without me even looking at them! Mine wasn't enough for the bus fare home. At the bottom it said in case of complaint contact Victoria Prothero in HR. Happy bloody Christmas.
You can contact John Weak at: john.weak@smokehouse.co.uk.
