VITAL SIGNS: Christmas Rap

I've never been really corporate. The Christmas party test proves it. I'm not bothered. I really can't think about our collective hooleys for two seconds running. My colleagues are almost as bad; we're just not team players.

Yet for most of the working world, Christmas parties remain inordinately important, planned for, dreamt about, remembered and, most probably, blackmailed about too. Last year we held our Christmas party in my house. There was only one speech, no disco and no unpleasantness. We're a mile from the mainstream.

I do see life; kind people invite me to their splendid company do's out of pity and I hear about corporate parties in my pastoral work - the quality of these, like the quality of food, comes up when you're asking people about an organisation's culture and morale.