WEAK AT THE TOP: 'Bloody hell. They've appointed a woman as chairman'

She's a born-again Christian and she doesn't drink. Apparently she doesn't believe in lunch either. How can you be a Christian and not believe in lunch?

by Guy Browning
Last Updated: 09 Oct 2013

MONDAY

Bloody hell. They've appointed a woman as Chairman. She's a born-again Christian and she doesn't drink. Apparently she doesn't believe in lunch either. How can you be a Christian and not believe in lunch? Hasn't she heard of the Last Supper? She's got a background in HR. That's like having no background.

And she's a trained accountant. She seems to have been specifically designed to get up my nose. The only good news is that she is a woman and will therefore rapidly be in my pocket anyway, thanks to the legendary Weak charm. But, as I always say, don't count your testicles until they've descended. Bit disappointed I didn't get the job myself, but that's probably because they need to keep talent where it counts (in marketing).

TUESDAY

Jane Armstrong, Chairtotty, arrived at lunchtime and I've got to say she was a very tidy little number. I immediately slimed over to her and said I hoped there were no hard feelings about the competition for the job. She just said she took men as she found them. I thought that would be interesting when she found me on top of her. We had a good long chat and I noticed a lot of eye contact on her part. She touched my upper arm at one point, which as far as I'm concerned is landing lights on. She also said she hoped to do some one-to-one coaching soon. If it's a double-decker coach, count me in. I invited her out for a little lunch on Thursday just to start working the old Weak magic on her.

WEDNESDAY

Hayley (ex-secretary) brought her baby into the office, which was nasty.

Babes in the office, yes; babies in the office, no. It was an ugly little pup and it had an expression like it was permanently filling its nappy (which it probably was). Hayley then announced that I was the father and she would be requiring hefty maintenance. I cleared her out of the office and told her to contact my lawyer and she took the admittedly rather good-looking baby with her. Jenny, my new uberbabe secretary, then burst in and quit her job in case typing a letter for me made her pregnant. Went down to the gym after work with Howard to work off some of the frustration. Got pretty hammered at the bar and tried to join an aerobics class. Turned out to be Thai kickboxing and I got badly beaten up by about 20 hard-core lesbians.

THURSDAY

Lunch with Jane in my usual very cosy little restaurant with the cushioned banquettes. She jabbered on about ethical marketing and I slid round closer and closer. After my third bottle of red, I judged that it was time for merger and acquisition. My hand rested lightly on her thigh and then proceeded to move northwards. My final thought was that I'm going to be shunting the Chairman (woman) round the carpet. That'll make a change from secretaries.

And then everything suddenly turned nasty. She brushed my hand off, said my behaviour was totally inappropriate and that she wanted me in her office first thing tomorrow. I remember saying that if she wanted me she could have me right now on the banquette.

She left and, to add insult to injury, she paid the bill.

FRIDAY

Was called into Jane's office first thing. First thing for me that is, which turned out to be eighth thing for her. She said that my values were inconsistent with the new Smokehouse. I had a choice. I could resign immediately, relocate to HR and have myself rebuilt from the ground up, or I could face an industrial tribunal for sexual harassment. I thought about it long and hard and decided, in the last resort, she was probably playing hard to get. She then sacked me.

In the end, she had to sack me five times before I realised it wasn't just a hormonal thing. Naturally, the first thing I did was call Bill.

It turned out he had been sacked an hour before me. We hotfooted down to Mr Bojangles, only to find it closed down and boarded up. Not a good end to my last week at the top.

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