Weak at the top: John Weak's diary

Weak at the top: John Weak's diary - MONDAY

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Last Updated: 31 Aug 2010

MONDAY

Got into the lift and found myself face to chest with the world's largest woman. She looked at me as if I was edible. I was bloody glad to get out, I can tell you. Hayley informed me that a top financial journalist wanted to interview me. It's nice to be taken seriously. Let's hope she's some smoking-hot tottie. I've got women on the brain at the moment. Apparently your average man thinks about sex every nine seconds. I'm well above average in that department as the only time I'm not thinking about it is when I'm actually doing it. In fact, that's just about the only time I think seriously about business.

TUESDAY

Bumped into the big woman in the lift again. Bit of a salad-dodger, that one. Don't know who she is but I wish she wouldn't look at me like that. Prepared for interview - bought a nice tie and had my hair primped. Then had lunch with Bill Peters - a couple of bottles of red thickened with steak and chips. Bill let slip that he quite fancied Hayley. That's my secretary, for crying out loud! Bill was surprised I hadn't already had some personal assistance from her. Returned to office and looked at Hayley as a woman rather than a photocopier. Had to admit, I wouldn't mind her changing my toner. Trouble is, if I wanted to have a little extra-curricular with her, she's the only person capable of organising it for me.

WEDNESDAY

The Jolly Green Giant was waiting for me in the lift again. Apparently, she works for me and wondered whether we could have lunch together. I nearly told her I don't do lunch with women who can bench press more than my bodyweight but didn't in case she tried it. Eyed up Hayley and told her I liked her new dress. She said she'd had it for years. Kept financial journalist waiting for half an hour just to show her where she was in the food chain. Braced myself for some swamp donkey with big glasses but she nearly broke the tottometer. She asked about relationship marketing so I honed in on the relationship part and told her a few choice stories. We finished by talking about the role of women in marketing and I agreed that you can sell anything with an attractive woman perched on top. She wrote a lot after this. Good interview.

THURSDAY

Took stairs to office just in case the honey monster was lurking in the lift. Then called up the uberbabe journo and asked her out for some 'background' research. She suddenly got very hormonal and said my behaviour was 'inappropriate'. Probably best out of it - these career women are ball-breakers at work and crying to their cats at home. Switched to plan B. Told Hayley I really appreciated the job she was doing, loved the way she'd done her hair and asked her out for dinner to discuss a more hands-on style of management. She gave me a look she usually reserves for when I ask her to type up the Golf Club minutes. But then she perked up, suggested Friday night and said she would organise everything. Good girl! I love a woman who takes the initiative.

FRIDAY

Holy Mother of God!! Godzilla assaulted me in the lift! She just grabbed my buttocks and tried to snog me. I'm her boss for God's sake! I should have her for sexual harassment. It's going to be bloody difficult working with her now. Found newspaper on my desk with my interview titled 'Last of the Cavemanagers'. I like it! I'll have to distribute that round the office. Good PR never goes amiss. Spent rest of the day anticipating new working relationship with Hayley. Got to restaurant late, which was lucky because I spotted Godzilla inside applying anti-perspirant to top lip. Reversed out in top gear and promised myself never to ask Hayley to organise my social life again. Women!! Can't get them in the sack, can't sack 'em.

Contact John Weak at john.weak@smokehouse.co.uk.

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